All Jokes

PLAYING WITH FATE by anonymous

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I’m sorry but I just didn’t recognize you.”

TALKING DOG FOR SALE by Anonymous

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a bleedin liar! He never did any of that!”

The Beaver Story by Anonymous

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
“Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. “I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in
a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large female beaver sitting
at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so
couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle
and went ‘bang, bang.’

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

Never underestimate an older man by - Anonymous

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old-timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

The Southern Man’s Confidence by Tony Rowe

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
“Hello, President Obama,” a heavily accented Southern voice said.
“This is Archie, down here at Joe’s Catfish Shack, in Mobile and I am callin’ to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on y’all”
“Well Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is me, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbour Randy,
and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!”
Barack paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again.
“Mr Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Obama sighed. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.
“President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”
“I’m pleased to hear that,” said Barack. “But why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over some sweet tea,
and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed that many prisoners.”
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
GOD BLESS EVERYBODY

Rodeo Joe by anonymous

Two cowboys, Jeb and Joe are out on the range talking about their favourite sex position.
Joe says, “I think I enjoy the Rodeo position the best.”
“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says Jeb, What is it?”
“Well, says Joe, it’s where you get your girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around,cup her t*ts and whisper in her ear, ‘wow these feel almost as good as your sisters’
“What then?” says Jeb
“Well” says Joe,”then you try and hold on for 30 seconds. That’s why it’s called the Rodeo.”

The Genie in the Bottle by anonymous

Dylan was practising his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbour’s window.
He ran next door, followed closely by his wife, and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a Genie and you have freed me from that lamp.”
“Oh man,” said Dylan, “do I get three wishes?”
The Genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two between you and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised Genie said, “You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay,if that’s your wish, Granted.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan’s wife knew what she wanted right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
“Granted,” said the Genie, “and now for my wish.”
“I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so it has been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
“No way!” said Dylan.
“What, not even for a million dollars a week?” said the Genie.
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I suppose for all that money, maybe I should.”
“Well ok but not until I leave,” said Dylan and he quickly left for the Golf Course.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the Genie.
When they were finished, the Genie asked how old her husband was and she said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed out loud and said, “Really, isn’t he a little too old to be believing in Genies?”

Bob’s in Trouble by anonymous

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday!!!

What is evolution? by anonymous

A child asked his father, “Where do we come from?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me, Mum said we evolved from Monkies”
His father replied, “No son, that’s just your Mum’s side of the family.”

The Doc’s Sex Remedy by anonymous

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says:
“Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes just like you said!
It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor,
grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”